Personal Entry

I woke up this morning smiling.

Before realizing that everything was just a dream.

I dreamt I was back home, where everything and everyone I love is. I was walking down the familiar streets, saw familiar faces and smiled as they waved back at me. I ran up the hill that I cursed everyday while I was trudging off to uni as it was so steep and so far away from my destination, and yes, I was too cheap to use the bus or drive because my god, parking is such a horror where I come from.

But I ran up the hill and rushed to library so that I could see the view from the 3rd floor. That little nook that I would always occupy when I was studying so that I could just look at the ocean and dream.

Then I walked back down to the city and had my favourite cup of coffee before walking along the harbour and peering at the museum wondering what the crowd was. I could smell the salty wind, although I swear I nearly fell down into the sea because the wind was so strong.

It felt so real. Felt so close. And I was honestly happy.

Then I woke up to reality.

I want to go home, but I know that I made decisions and I should stick with them. Even if I regret them, I know that there is still a lesson that needs to be learnt. And I must learn before I can pack up and move on.

But I really really miss home.

What I remember: 16

“Shillang… is it true?” Hwang Bo asked as she finally mustered enough courage to ask the question that she never wanted to know the answer to. 

She was met with silence as Hyun Joong looked at the floor, unable to meet her eyes. Taking his silence as his answer, she felt her heart grow colder than the winter winds as she saw the trust she had in him disappearing before her. 

“Shillang…” 

“Bu In, believe me. I do love you. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me, and there is nobody else that I could love as much as I love you.” 

“But what he said is true then. That you allowed me to believe in a lie.” 

“Which eventually became the truth!” 

“But it still doesn’t erase the fact that it was a lie to begin with. How do I believe in something that was never what it was to begin with? I walked down this road with you based on the trust that I had in you. The faith that we were meant to be. But core of that trust is based on a lie? That all I was to you was a replacement??” Hwang Bo yelled at him, finally feeling the heat of her anger leaving her as she found the voice to speak out all her insecurities. 

“Bu In… that was a mistake that I made years ago! One that I regret every single day of my life, one which made me swear that I would never do you wrong, that I would treat you the best I can forever…” 

“Which means that now, everything that you have done for me so far has been out of guilt. Hyun Joong, please stop. At least allow me to believe that your actions have been sincere. Please.” Hwang Bo said as she looked away, numbed from the night. She knew that she was being unreasonable, but her heart refused to allow her head to think straight. Everything that she had feared was coming true. That she was too old for him. That she would hamper his success. That she would never be able to give him everything that he wanted. That she was just not good enough for him. 

In the end, all she could see was that they were just not meant to be. 

And all she could do was to just walk away.

What I remember: 15

‘It’s really happening. This really is happening…’ 

Hwang Bo couldn’t take her eyes off the screen in the waiting room as she watched Hyun Joong singing the one song that had been playing in her mind for the past two years. She felt the tears welling up in her eyes as she sang along with Hyun Joong, a million thoughts racing through her mind as the memories they once shared came back to her. 

The happiness they once shared was still so fresh in her memory; the joy that she felt would never leave her for as long as she was alive. So when she heard the heated exchange that Hyun Joong shared with his manager, her whole body froze when his manager threatened to spill the beans that would have shattered their lives. 

“Do you really want me to call her out now and tell her, Hyun Joong?” 

“Hyung… Please don’t do this. We can work things out, it doesn’t have to come this far… Hyung…” Hyun Joong pleaded but his manager was beyond all reason. 

“Hye Jung-ssi! Come out now! There is no point in hiding when we all need to let this out in the open! Hye Jung-ssi!” 

Hwang Bo stepped out of the darkness, only to face the thunderous anger that Hyun Joong’s manager unleashed upon her. 

“Hye Jung-ssi. I respect you as a person, and I feel that it’s no longer right for you to be living a lie.” 

“Hyung!!!” 

“Hyun Joong has been lying to you, Hye Jung-ssi. He never loved you the way you thought he did. Did you really believe in everything he said to you during your months in the show? It was a lie. The reason why he managed to get so close to you in such a short time was because he told everyone that he took it as if you were his ex-girlfriend, the one that he had no choice but to leave. That is the real reason why he suddenly became a different person. It was never what you thought it was. That he fell for you as you went through the experiences together. You were merely a replacement for him at the time. A replacement.” 

Unable to even breathe, all Hwang Bo could do was look at Hyun Joong as he crumbled to the floor. His manager looked on at the both of them before slowly stepping back, hit with the realization that he had hurt two of the best people in the world through his fit of rage.  Unable to say anything else, he turned and walked out the door as he left the both of them to sieve through the pieces of their lives together.

Hwang Bo on why Seung Eun can't get married: Because she lacks the ability to be protected.

Hwang Bo has revealed the reason why Seung Eun cannot get married while she appeared on an episode of a morning programme together with Seung Eun, who was busy preparing for a musical.

Hwang Bo began broaching the subject over a meal with the cast and crew and stated that one of the main reasons why Seung Eun could not meet the right man was because she lacked the ability to be protected. Hwang Bo explained further by stating that Seung Eun is someone who is very independent and would take it to herself to do any task that is raised, even grilling meat leaving the man with nothing to do. This, she stated, was the biggest problem.

*Credits: Naver.com*

What I remember: 14

Two weeks later

'Hyung! We have to get ready for the live show now, have you gotten your guitar yet?'

'Yeah, don't worry, I'm ready,' Hyun Joong replied, grabbing his guitar as they walked together towards the studio.

'Why did you suddenly want to play your guitar hyung? You never wanted to before regardless of how many times we asked you to. Are you going to play our latest song??' Hyung Jun asked, pulling on Hyun Joong's shirt as he clamored for his attention.

Hyun Joong smiled in silence and entered the studio where they were scheduled to give an interview.

Taking in deep breaths as the time for him to perform ticked closer, he steadied his heart as he prepared himself mentally to perform the one song that he had been wanting to sing ever since he came back from the hospital.

'Hyun Joong-ssi, we hear that you have prepared a little surprise for everyone here! Would you like to let us in on the surprise?' questioned MC Yoo.

'Hmm... This is actually something that represents me at this moment in time. You could say that I've been sleeping this past two years, going through everyday without knowing what my aim in life was. I've been lucky enough to have been awakened from my long slumber, but just when I thought I could run and make everything alright, I realised that sometimes wanting to try your best just isn't good enough.'

'So... in other words, this is a song that will let us know what your real feelings are?'

'Yes. This is as real as I can ever get.'

'Okay, I'm sure that it's safe to say that we're all looking forward to listening to your heart. Hyun Joong-ssi, if you may...'

Hyun Joong cleared his throat as he strummed the first few chords of the song that he hoped Hwang Bo would hear.

'Hwang Buin.. this is for you...'

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you? And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up while you're ok?
I'm falling to pieces, yeah I'm falling to pieces.

What I remember: 13

Jumping out of the cab, Junjin sped to Hwang Bo's car as she pulled over in front of her apartment building.

'Bo! Look, I'm sorry okay. Please, I didn't mean it that way. I just.. I just didn't think...'

Hwang Bo looked at Junjin, his forehead creased with worry and leaned against him, pulling him close in a hug.

'I know Jin. I know. It's just that... I dunno, I just become a wreck around him. And although I want to pull myself away from him, I can't. Thank you for always being there for me though, I really do love you for being the brother that I can always depend on.'

Sighing, Junjin squeezes her tight, knowing that he will always be defeated by her memory of him.

'I'll always be your brother Bo. I love you too.'

What I remember: 12

'Hwang Bo-ya! Hwang Bo!!!'

Junjin ran after Hwang Bo as she sped off to her car. Jumping in, she drove off without even taking a look back at Junjin.

Cursing under his breath, Junjin started calling her while flagging a cab down to follow her car.

'Pick up the phone, Bo. Just pick up the damn phone!'

Junjin watched her car swerving in and out of lanes, not caring if she got into an accident or not as she sped back home. Junjin let out a cry of frustration as he threw himself against the seat, thinking of what she said to him in the elevator after they left Hyun Joong's room.

'Jin-ah, why did you have to hold my hand like that in front of him?'

'I.. it.. it was nothing. I've held your hand before, why are you getting all defensive now?'

'I know you've held my hand before, but why in front of him? Especially now??' she demanded as she glared at him through her large expressive eyes.

'I just didn't think it would mean anything to him okay? You guys are over, why should it even matter if I held your hand or not? What makes you think that he'd even care?' retorted Junjin.

Hwang Bo looked at him as tears glassed over her eyes. 'Because I know him inside out. Because I know what he thinks about even without him saying a word. Despite having left his side two years ago, I realized today that no matter how long I've been away from him, I can still read his mind like a book. You know why? Do you really want to know why?'

'No. Look, Bo, I'm sorry okay. Please stop this. I'm really sorry.'

'Because I still love him Jin. No matter how hard I try, I just can't stop loving him. And it's eating me inside when I know that I can't be with him even though that's the only thing in this world that I want. And to know that I've caused him hurt like this, it kills me even more. Do you even understand that Jin?' Hwang Bo asked before she ran out of the elevator.

Junjin closed his eyes as he replayed that scene over and over again in his mind.

'Bo, I do understand. Because it kills me to see you hurting like this too. Please, please, please God. Keep her safe now.'